The Path of Loneliness
by CLAIRE-ROX
Summary: Lilith's perspective on things just prior to the affair through her divorce from Frasier. Rated PG because of light swearing. Please review!
1. My Loneliness and Pain

I love my husband. He means the world to me. In fact, he's the only man I've ever loved and the only friend I've ever really had. No one else even likes me, and now I don't think even he does anymore.

I've always put people off. I really don't know why but I do. I even put Frasier off when he first met me. We did nothing but insult one another on our first date. We probably never would have stopped if Diane Chambers hadn't stepped in. She said Frasier was in love with me from the beginning, which is complete bull if you ask me. He wasn't even attracted to me until she did a full blown make-over. His comments to me on the subject of my appearance made that painfully clear.

The point is that insulting me is all people ever seem to want to do. You should hear the way the people at Cheers go on. They think I'm heartless and cold, just like everyone else, and they're constantly joking about it. The worst part is that Frasier makes jokes about it to and laughs at theirs. I know because half the time I'm sitting right next to him when it happens. I can't tell you how much that hurts me. Worse than that I can't even tell Frasier how much it hurts me. Oh, I'll give him a Look and he'll apologize but I've never actually told him how deeply it hurts me to hear him go on like that. I'm his wife and he's supposed to love me but I wonder if he does. I think he's only ever defended me once in front of those people. How on earth can a man who loves me never stick up for me?

He seems so distant too. I never see him. He's always at that bar. I used to go there too--just so I could spend some time with him! He's my husband and he never spends any time with me anymore. We have the occasional roll in the hay and then he forgets about me once again. It's incredibly upsetting but I can't tell him that either. Expressing my emotions has never been a strong point for me. I've always found it far easier to simply suppress them and try to forget about the negative ones. I'm very good at it actually. Occasionally, though, I slip. My emotions are very strong and sometimes I simply can't help myself. They always seem to come out wrong though. I can never seem to express my concerns constructively. Oh, I've done it once or twice but it's hard.

There's more to it than that though. Sometimes it's not even that I have a hard time expressing what I'm feeling, it's simply that I don't want to. I have a lot of pride and because of that I don't like to admit when I'm hurting. It seems to betray the image I have of myself as strong and independent. I think that may be the strongest reason of all that I don't tell Frasier how much it hurts when he compares me to a corpse to his friends.

Whatever the reason, though, my lack of communication with Frasier seems to be killing my relationship. I can never directly express my antagonism towards his jokes about me and the fact that he's never at home so it comes it out in different ways. I snipe at him. I correct him whenever possible. I do it all just to vent all the anger and hurt that I feel inside but it's driving him away even more. Whenever we talk it always seems to devolve into a fiery battle and we're both becoming incredibly tired of it. So he runs to Cheers and leaves me alone.

I know I need to tell him how I feel. If I do then we can work through this and we can quit fighting all the time.

I don't see how he can be so blind though. He never seems to notice how upset I am. He never seems to be able to tell when I feel _anything_. As the years passed I expected we would gain a greater understanding of one another than ever but he seems to know less about me than ever. How does he not notice how I'm feeling? There have been times when I have even been brought to tears by all of this and yet he doesn't seem to notice, or worse yet care. I love him deeply and yet I wonder if he cares. That's the worst part of all of this. It makes me feel so alone and cut off. All of this does. It makes me feel terribly lonely.

I just want to feel loved. It's all I've ever wanted. I wanted. I've just wanted to feel like somebody cares about me, but no one does. Everyone hates me. The fact that the ones that my husband considers his 'friends' hate me most of all just takes the cake. They're the most infuriating compilation of blithering idiots I've ever come across and all they ever seem to tell Frasier is about how horrid and difficult I am. With the exception of Sam, who has not only never said an unkind word about me as far I know but has also been kind and supportive to me at times, I hate the whole damn lot of them. I've had a few good times studying a few of them but when it comes right down to it I can't stand them. How can they tell Frasier such things about me? They don't know me, not really. I doubt they even know him.

I simply don't understand any of this. I don't understand how he can like those people and how he can let them say such things about me. I don't understand why he never wants to spend any time with me. We may fight but it seems to me that if he loved me he would try and work things out with me. Perhaps the reason for all of this is that Frasier simply doesn't love me anymore. It certainly seems like it.

After all, I can't remember the last time he told me otherwise.


	2. Happy Again

I tried to talk to Frasier about my affair. He didn't listen. He never does. He never seems to hear a word I say. Googey made me feel wanted and alive. Speaking with Frasier about what happens has only served to remind me of all the reasons I had my affair.

Frasier is so predictable. I'd hoped that with all this he might change. I'd hoped that he might actually, really listen to me for once. He didn't though. Frasier is completely predictable. I tried my best to talk to him but his reactions were like watching a movie I'd seen so often I could recite it.

That's what makes Googey so attractive to me, I think. He's not like some over-viewed movie. He's a free-thinker. He's exciting--And more than that he adores me. He adores me just like Frasier used to, and he listens in a way Frasier never has. The void I've been feeling is gone. It's been filled and I feel truly happy for the first time in a very long while.

Frasier has lost his chance. Out of loyalty to him as his wife I told him about my affair and I tried to give him a chance to try and fix all of this. I wanted to give my marriage a second chance. After all, I've invested years into it, but it's simply not worth it. Frasier will never change, not how I need him too. Certain behaviors can be changed, others modified and others no one can do anything about. That's my field. I know what I'm talking about.

He won't be happy about this. He's predictable like that too. He's going to argue and he's going to try and stop me, but it's too late. I need something different and more than that, I think I may be in love with Googey. He's made me so happy. He's taken away so much of the pain that Frasier has caused me.

I need to give this I try. I won't divorce Frasier, I feel like I owe him that much, but I also owe it to myself to try and be happy again. I owe it to myself to feel something more than loneliness and neglect.

I'm determined to leave him.


End file.
